Updated: May 22, 2019
We all have hurt, we all are #hurting. I see it in your eyes, I watch it in your body, I hear it in your breath as I guide you through your practice. I show up on my mat for the same reasons that you do. To #heal.
It is a bold stance to face your pain. It is a warrior role to accept your struggles and welcome all aspects of yourself rather than bury and hide from them. It is hard work. I still loose my calm. I often get stressed out. I have many moments where I could have responded better or acted more clearly. I am still working as a student too.
We all have our stories, our endless stories and burdens we are working to let go of and heal. I too have my laundry list of stories and opportunities to heal. Many stuffed down deep or rearranged and retold in a way that made me comfortable. Yet know I have gotten to a place where I am no longer embarrassed of who I am am. No longer afraid of showing the hurt I too know.
I am still healing from when I was in college and living with my boyfriend. I had been dating my boyfriend for more than 2 years. We lived a care free, sometimes risky party life. I was on birth control as this supported my relationship and desire not to have a child. But with one missed pill and the passions of my relations, I got pregnant.
Being pregnant was not what I was planning but I took what I thought was the right action. My boyfriend and I discussed it. We told our families. I saw the doctor that had delivered him and his siblings. This was what I thought was the responsible way to handle the situation and then everything changed.
Something changed in him. He had always been turbulent but he became aggressive and angry. This started with arguments that never ended. Sleep became harder to get as he would keep me up all night and wake me up to tell me he didn't want a baby. He was scared, I could relate. I was scared too but he would make me more scared.
He would start to push me around and hit me. He would start to threaten me daily. He would tell me if I didn't have an abortion he was going to push me down the stairs. He would tell me his plans of kicking me in the stomach until my body aborted the baby as he knew these would work. He would talk at lengths of his research on how to make my body miscarry. He would affirm he had the control of the situation. If his hands weren't a scary enough, he gave me a "choice" to have an abortion or take more of his abuse.
Why didn't I leave? Before this I had many other moments of hurt like we all do. Those other moments of hurt left me feeling damaged. Those other moments of hurt took away my strength as I know my self today. I did not have the emotional tools to make another choice. I felt trapped and alone. Deep inside I knew this was not the life for a baby as I would not be able to protect this child from him. This abuse was not new as I had seen him act with others this way and I started to connect the dots of the lying and abuse that had already filled the 2 years of our dating.
So I had an abortion. He made the appointment. He took me. and He gave me a bottle of Tylenol with codeine after I curled up in his bed crying when it was all over with. I was sad, I was ashamed, I was empty.
I took the entire bottle of pills and woke up 3 days later.
I am sorry to all who I told I miscarried. I am sorry for all who at the time knew what happen. I am sorry for all the years this pain effected how I interacted as a human. I show up on mat mat to heal. This is only one #youknowme story. And only one reason I have been hurting.
I see you healing on your mat, see me too.